The Umpires Strike Back!

CHICAGO, IL -- Things are starting to become right in the world. Paris Hilton is getting sent back to jail, players are getting suspended for half the season as the iron fist of Roger Goodell has come slamming down on the NFL and the umpires are banding together to show the players how to respect authority.

Let's take Lance Berkman for instance. Berkman was ejected a couple days ago on the North Side of Chicago for essentially making an ass of himself. When a bench clearing incident occured innings later, Berkman was spotted back on the field, also known as a place he shouldn't have been. Are we going to have to start locking these guys up?

Let me tell you this about Wrigley Field. If you are in the visiting clubhouse, you have to go out a door, down a flight of narrow steps and down two walkways and then up the steps from the dugout to the field. Berkman was on the field in record time. He shouldn't have been.

Of course, like all players with agents who are bored and waiting for their client's next payday to collect 10 percent, Berkman appealed being an idiot, so he could play until the appeal went through.

Since he's on a stay of execution for a two-day suspension, that's right two days, he can play and Phil Garner put him back in the Astros lineup.

In his first at bat, he gets rung up on strikes by home plate umpire Sam Holbrooke. Essentially, by appealing, Berkman is saying he feels he has the right to be an ass and the umpire is wrong. Why? Because he's god's gift to the Astros, essentially a celebrity, so the rules shouldn't apply. Well, guess what Lance? The umpires really don't care about being shown up on or off the field. When the pitch is close with two strikes, you better be hacking!

Berkman had a few words for Holbrooke, then Garner came to get him. Like a lot of players, Berkman was being walked away and he, or Garner, likely said something while walking away. Despite the packed stadiums, you'll be surprised all you can hear on the field. The two geniuses walking away probably thought that they could insult Holbrooke, but because they weren't talking directly to him, as in looking at him eye-to-eye, they were going to get away with it. WRONG! Good-bye Lance! Holbrooke ran him and I swear I wanted to cheer. Not because it was an ejection or the fact I don't particularly like N.L. Central opponents, but it's about time the umpires start using their authority to let the players know, they don't own everything and their contract doesn't mean a damn thing as long as the men in blue (or black) are on the field. I'm sure that will help his suspension appeal.

In a related story, I began umpiring fastpitch softball tonight. If there's one thing you don't like doing in softball it's eject someone, and you certainly don't do it on a Friday of the tournament. Chances are, you're going to see that team again, and the way fate works these days, you'll usually get them in an elimination game.

So a team was up 4-0 and there was enough time for an inning to go. The winning team had a runner on first and there was a ground ball to the shortstop. She threw the ball to the second baseman and that girl caught the ball coming over the ball. I called the runner out and looked to first for the throw, which was late.

Okay, one out, winning team still up 4-0. The coach asked to appeal the play. I said, "She's out, it's a force play." This coach obviously wasn't impressed as he kept coming out on the field. I said, "She's out, play ball." The coach said, "I know you want to get out of here, but..."

"YOU'RE OUTTA HERE!" Yep, cock the arm from the four o'clock position and end at the 10 o'clock and point to the sky. Man, I haven't tossed someone in a while, but damn did it feel good!

First off, I had another game after this. Secondly, we have a time limit. Lastly, he was winning by four with three outs to go. The bastard deserved to be run and maybe he'll think a second before trying to be cool with his comments.

They say kids emulate what they see on TV today, but you can add adults to that list. Recently a lot of managers have decided to take on the umpires. Well, the umpires have struck back. That coach wanted to be big league, so I was the first to welcome him to the big leagues.

His third base coach came over after the inning all concerned and said, "What did he say?!" I looked at him and said, "He was arguing a judgment call. That's it."

The coach had a few words for me afterwards and said I had a quick trigger. I told him. "All you had to do was say you disagreed with the call. By making that comment you questioned my integrity and honesty and pretty much called me a cheater." He didn't see it that way, but then again, it really doesn't matter how he sees it.

I am really starting to like the fact that authority is starting to regain control and 'special treatment' is starting to go out the window. It's a good start on the recovery of this country. Everyone has to play by the same rules and someone's got to enforce them. If we have to start with Paris Wilson, Pacman Jones and some weasel manager from Port St. Lucie, so be it. But as Twisted Sister said, "We're not going to take it... No! We ain't gonna take it! We're not going to take it... anymore!"